Grieve

Stay strong they always say, but what does staying strong entail.

Nobody tells me how, they just tell me to.

I was taught everything by you yet never taught how to stay strong after you,

you never taught me how to live life without you,

I never thought of, never learnt, never imagined figuring out anything without you.

So how do I now ? how do I now start living without you,

you ran everything so smoothly, bore all our worries on your back like it had the weight of a feather when a- times it was so heavy, it hunched your back.

You brightened our lives and made us the bubbliest children and now,

now I am meant to be bubbly when my source of light is gone,

is that even fair, how do I lit my own light and who am I without your grooming ?

They tell me to stay strong,

but I don't know how to, I don't understand that.

Does staying strong mean plastering a smile on my face, smiling and engaging in small talk, while the sharp pain in my chest only intensifies.

Does staying strong mean, to live life like you once was never here,

does staying strong mean just pressing the play button to this roller coster of a ride called life and living when in all reality I don't know how to live after this.

I was told "Allah does not burden a soul more than It can bear"

I was told I can do this, that I will pass through this, that I -

that "I got this "

but do I really, can my fragile heart bear this loss, can it function a whole again after this pain, can I live, love and be happy again without the aching pain of loss I feel.

There is a lesson for everything, but what is this loss teaching me?

I am not questioning Allah, for He knows better than I do

but I wish

I wish I got to be there for you during your last moments,

I wish I got to hold on to you with everything in me whilst you breathed your last,

I wish I snuggled in bed with you, spoke to you more,

listened to you more while capturing every single word in my head, never to be forgotten.

but would my eyes be able to forget the trauma of seeing you pass,

would I be able to let you go, would I be able to move after seeing you covered in a white shawl and never to be seen again.

Allah truly has a better plan for us.

So I here I am today,

a fresh few weeks after your loss, the loss still afresh in my head, the memories still fresh, the Hurt still intensifying,

sitting in a coffee store, surrounded by strangers, who are close but their voices are heard from a far, as I press too hard on my keyboards, like it is somehow releasing the pain I feel,

I am here to just say how life hasn't been life without you, how nothing has been the same without you but we are surviving, because like they always say "there is nothing fair in survival.

I am heartbroken but I will be here, making dua every night for you,

I will be here, praying to Allah for you, praying that you are in a better place, with so much light, love and happiness that you always deserved. I will be here, making dua for you,

because in shaa Allah, we will reunite in Jannah, where we can continue and there it will be a happily ever after.

- I AM FIGURING LIFE AFTER YOU, FOR BOTH OF US

WITH LOVE, XX

- Dedicated to a special soul & to every one grieving.