Stuck

I know someone out here knows how it feels,

how it feels to be attached to someone so much,

so much that moving on feels impossible.

I am afraid to call it love, so I don't,

I call it attachment, maybe because I am afraid of love,

afraid that I am in love and I have to fall out of love,

afraid that love is too deep,

too big of a word or emotion to say or feel.

But

Do you ever feel like you're just going around in circles, the same places,

same routines over and over again?

Does it ever feel like you're trapped, trapped by memories,

trapped by a strong willed attachment and you're tired.

You just want to break free once and for all but

you can't.

Does that feeling resonate with anyone?

Thats what I feel, on multiple nights after amazing phone calls and right after I press the end button,

I feel guilt, my senses come back,

and the voices in my head start once again.

I keep saying I am ready to move on,

I am quick to say I am done yet I am always here with open and wide arms waiting for you to comeback.

And you do, and every time you do, we hop on the same Roller coaster ride and we go in circles until its time for you to leave again.

I make excuses for you, more than necessary,

and maybe I believe you care,

I mean who am I kidding,

I believe you care but don't I deserve better ?

You are too willed, too strong and independent.

And I, too weak, too dependent and naive.

And I just want better

I want out

I want stability, consistency, understanding,

I want clarity,

I need closure,

I need out

but am I really ready to face reality and set myself free.

----

poetry

xx

Day18